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 Joke of the Week!

May 30 - From the Am-B.A.S.T.A.R.D.-er's dad.....

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

 
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
 
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"  Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
 
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."  The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
 
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"  The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
 
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
 

 

 
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 Oldies but Goodies......

May 19 - From Jonesy & the Busty B.A.S.T.A.R.D....truer words were never spoken......

"True" Friendship
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound so sweet & good but never actually come close to reality?  Well, here are some promises that actually speak of true B.A.S.T.A.R.D. friendship.  None of that SISSY CRAP!!  No cutesy little smiley faces, just the "Stone Cold Steve Austin" truth of great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry son-of-a-bitch who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.  

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- stay the hell away from me until you are well again.  I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
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April 27 - from our buddy, Skip Godfrey, one of the funniest people we know!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.  After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
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February 22 - from the Spoiled B.A.S.T.A.R.D.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.   "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.  

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go a lot faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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February 12 - from our buddy, Ron Scoles
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad all at the same  time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's way bigger than your brother's".
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January 29...from the Am-B.A.S.T.A.R.D.-er's Dad in Boulder City, NV
A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase, and asks where she's going.  She's replies, "I'm moving to Las Vegas!  I've heard the hookers there get $400 a night for what I do for you for free!"

He starts to pack a bag, and she asks where he's going.  He replies, "I'm moving to Las Vegas!  I want to see how you make it on $800 a year!"
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January 20...also from Mitch in KC....
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

 You’ve got Male
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January 13....From our Kansas City buddy, Mitch....
A skinny little white guy went into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him.  The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.":

The white guy fainted and fell to the floor.  The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him, the big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice, the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks.  I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The little guy said, "Turner Brown?  Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!!"
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